I feel 'dead' from the enthusiasm in getting what I wanted each time I tried and it did not work. So it's like, at last, I lost any feelings for it. Although I keep saying I wanted to do a degree education (for example), now I'm going 40 soon, I felt like it's not worth the money anymore. Because after many tries, I just couldn't do it - either due to money requirements or my elderly demands in care giving matters. That's why I wrote that after many plans, and trying many things, one can feel lost. We don't know what we wanted anymore.